The journey

I wanted to write about my breastfeeding journey for awhile now but have been nervous. You see, I’m an IBCLC, an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant. That’s the highest level of education one can receive in lactation support. I’m also a mother who has struggled breastfeeding, 3 separate times.

 

My first breastfeeding journey started off on the wrong foot, a very wrong foot. Despite our struggles I triple fed (breast, pump then bottle) my son for a year. While that experience was hard it has shaped who I am today and I’m no less proud of it than if I had exclusively breastfed.

 With My second son I thought, I got this. I will not go down that path again. I’ve come so far and learnt so much. Well, it did go better but there I was, supplementing again….. for a year.  When I first found out I was pregnant with my 3rd baby I thought “finally! This time I will exclusively breastfeed!” Not only have I learnt so much from my personal experiences but I’ve also helped hundreds of mothers. I’ve achieved the highest level of lactation education and felt like there was nothing going to hold me back. Breastfeeding started off amazing. Indeed nothing was holding me back. That’s a lie. Every single person who told me my baby was so small made me doubt my skills, my knowledge and that did hold me back. Not from nursing every 2 hours or ensuring a great latch but I allowed my mind to question my abilities. I would catch myself thinking “is he really getting enough?” Despite my best efforts to rely on my knowledge, I often worried that my body was once again letting me down. I was ok with my small baby being small and decided to remain focused and only give supplementation if it became medically indicated for his growth to continue. Well After 4 months that day came. I cried when I gave him his first taste of formula. Not because I think formula is bad for babies (remember I supplemented my other babies) but because despite every single effort and 3 baby’s later I still couldn’t produce a full supply! Why was science failing me. There was not one reason to explain why this was happening. I longed to have a voluptuous supply, milk just pouring from my breasts! But there I was, sitting on a hotel bed the day before my IBCLC exam, tears running down my face, feeding my baby formula. I felt like a fraud. I told my husband “I’m probably the world’s only IBCLC who can’t exclusively breast feed” (a silly thing to say, I know). From that day on Ellis got the minimum supplementation he needed to keep him slowly growing. As time went on I felt less guilty. As the initial hurt and disappointment subsided I realized the most important thing I could do was continue to breastfeed while offering a few extra cals for growth. Ellis will be one year mid June and we are still nursing strong. Breastfeeding for me isn’t about the growth or calories (yes those are import!) but more about the journey and our bond. Hell I would still breastfeed if there was no milk! Why was I nervous to share this story with you? I know mothers look up to me and initially I felt sad, not ashamed or judged but just sad. I wasn’t sure how I could share this in a positive light. I also didn’t want to open the door for mothers to think it’s normal to have low milk supply without reasons or other factors involved. Truth is, I don’t always have to be positive but I do need to be real. And this was very real for me as I know it is for many other mothers. Just because I’m an IBCLC didn’t exclude me from breastfeeding struggles. In my case there were no reasons I could pin point for my low supply and I want mothers to know this is not the norm. If you are struggling seek out support! With good knowledge and strong support most mothers struggling can over come supply issues. While I still dream of a full milk supply I am grateful for my 3 breastfeeding journeys. Because I have struggled I am better able to help mothers with these same struggles. When a mother is crying because her baby isn’t gaining weight I cry with her. I feel her feels. I get it. I believe everything happens for a reason. My little Ellis is still little and that’s ok. It took 3 breastfeeding journeys to finally learn that my bond with my sons and our moments together mean more to me then some line on a graph. I hope you look down at your sweet baby and soak in moment. Because it’s truly about the journey, however that may look.