Grey

Grey. Light grey, dark grey and all greys in between. Calm yourselves ladies I’m not talking about Mr 50 shades himself. I’m talking about 50 shades of parenting.

I love the colour grey. Not only does it cover most walls in my home but it sums up my values when it comes to parenthood.

There is no black and white! What works for one parent might not work for the next! We all preach that we want to be supportive but most people are only ok supporting what we personally think is right. I know, I know, I get it! It’s hard to stand behind someone that wants to do something you haven’t or wouldn’t. Hear me when I say support can be as simple as refraining from being a bully, offering evidence-based info or even guiding them to someone else who may be able to help if you can’t and lastly don’t say anything. If you have nothing nice or supportive to say don’t say anything at all.

I started my business because I want to support mamas in a way that I wasn’t when I had my boys. If I had a money tree out back that grew off love and good intentions I wouldn’t charge money! I’m there to provide the most up to date info, offer guidance when patents are unsure and stand by them when they do make a choice that is best for them. I have been to births that want to go all natural, Ive been to some that want and epidural. I’ve helped new moms that want to breastfeed, some that want to exclusively pump and some that want info on bottle feeding. Now here’s a touchy one, I’ve helped parents with sleep. I’ve helped parents with safe co sleeping, teaching parents the 5s’s, when not to use the 5s’s, I’ve helped parents transition their baby to a crib, supported them in their choice to not sleep train, supported them to sleep train, keeping night feeds, dropping night feeds, the list goes on.

Moms are a crazy bunch. I say that with love from my own crazy mom heart. But it’s true. We are so passionate about our kids and our jobs as mothers that sometimes we can be a tad judgmental. Am I right or am I right? Very recently I was judged because I support 2 ideas that some people believe can’t co-exist. Breastfeeding on demand and sleep training. Oooohhhh. Touchy I know. But I’m feeling mis understood and it’s time someone says this. You are not a bad parent if you sleep train. You are not a bad parent if you co sleep and feed on demand. Do you need to choose? Can you not enjoy both worlds?

Here’s where I stand. I believe that babies need their parents for comfort, love, support, snuggles, security, and nutrition. Some babies breastfeed or bottle feed often in the night and some don’t. I believe that parents do their best to be what their little baby needs and if that means comfort and food every 2 hours in the night they do it….. until they can’t.

What does that mean, can’t? Is it the same as wont? Does it really matter? I’m not here to judge what one mother can or can not handle. What I can do is support them. Ask them what can I do to help them be the parent they want to be. If that means encouraging them to continue breastfeeding throughout the night I support them and reassure them that they are doing an amazing job! If a mother comes to me and says “I just can’t anymore. I’m so tired I’m not the mother I want to be” then I support them and reassure them that they are doing an amazing job and that there is no shame in looking for some help.

We all have our boiling point. I have met Mothers who have co slept for 3 years and reached a point that they couldn’t handle anymore and I’ve met Mothers who were up every 2 hours for 4 months and could not go another night with essentially no sleep. Our individual needs are so different from one another. Some mothers function well on no sleep and others, like myself, start hallucinating after 4 months. Is it fair that we guilt a mother, telling her she’s going to turn her baby into a raged, insecure, brain damaged individual? Is it fair to judge Mothers who co sleep or bed-share and feed on demand? No. The answer is no. Just NO! This commercial speaks volumes. I just want to state that I dont endorse the product behind this commercial but I do endorse the message.

It’s also extremely important to look at the facts. I’m a health care professional so naturally I love the science behind nursing and sleep. I’m not going to list the benefits of breastfeeding on demand throughout the night and day because I would be typing forever. Breastfeeding is just that awesome! And I’m certainly not going to list the positives to well rested children and well rested mothers but those facts are available too! You see. Benefits to both. Ok ok. I know some of you are replaying that video floating around called “bad things happen when you let your baby cry” but I’ll tell ya I could make a video of what Ive seen in my life called “bad things happen when you are chronically sleep deprived”. When you watch videos like that ask yourself “who made this” and “is it credible”? Another important thing to understand is that CIO (cry it out) means different things to different people. When I work with families we create a plan together that best suits them and it doesn’t have to include cutting night feeds and it certainly does not require them to leave their baby alone all night crying. They can be with their baby the entire time!

The media and sleep training haters love to focus on the beliefs that it’s all CIO and will most certainly cause damage to your babies developing brain. They also seem to ignore that mothers who are running on mere moments of sleep are considered as impaired as someone who is intoxicated! In my line of work, I have personally dealt with a handful of parents who have been so exhausted they have rolled over on their babies. These parents are the ones who have been doing their best, until they can’t. On the flip side the media loves to shame parents that choose to bedshare for ease of nursing on demand. They assume that these parents are putting their babies lives at risk. What is often ignored is that there are safe ways to co sleep. There are also many studies that support co sleeping and the Canadian Pediatric Society recommends room sharing for the first 6 months!

I’m a certified lactation counsellor and I’m very proud to support the breastfeeding mothers of my community! Helping mothers with their breastfeeding difficulties gives me such a sense of purpose. This is my calling. I struggled nursing and would have given anything to rid myself of those troubles. Just because I also find joy in helping families get more restful consolidated sleep does not mean that I don’t support breastfeeding on demand. It just means Im not prejudice. I will not turn a mother away that needs my help. I will not shame a mother into doing something she isn’t comfortable with. It means I fully support all mothers to be the best mamas they can be (whatever that may look like for them).

So let’s cut the shit. Let’s end this madness of shaming mothers who choose to try something different then what you believe is right. Put your big girl panties on and look the other way if you don’t like what your looking at.

When I was in Africa delivering babies about 10 years ago I got a tattoo. It’s a Ghanaian tribal symbol of two crocodiles crossing. They share one stomach but are facing different directions. I got it to remind myself that even though people come from different places and we live such different lives we want and need the same basic things. Love, family, a sense of being. The day I was feeling mis understood for believing in two conflicting ideas I was reminded of why I got my tattoo all those years ago. Us mothers all share the same destination but our journeys to get there will look very different. And that’s Ok. There is no black and white, right or wrong when you have your child’s best interests at heart. There’s grey. Lots and lots of grey. Try a couple out, find your own shade and wear it proudly.