Fill your bank!

Imagine yourself as a young girl. It’s late 18th century and your in a home, your aunt or neighbour’s home. She’s in labour. Your asked to fetch some warm water and rags. You play your part and watch. You watch your own mother or a midwife support this woman. There are many women there. One is holding her close, whispering in her ear. Another is applying pressure her hips. Someone is massaging her legs and singing out loud. This labouring woman is being comforted by those closest to her. It’s a calm and safe place. You witness her baby enter this world and take its first breath.   

Years later it’s your turn. You have been so lucky to be present for multiple births before your time has come. You have seen the beauty and awe that is birth. You feel prepared and safe. There is no room for fear on the best day of your life.

Ok, ok, ok. Before you start thinking these are the words of a granola crunching hippie, stop. I’m a firm believer in science and I’m a very practical person. Before I dig deep into the science that supports my argument here, it’s important that you understand what my argument is.

Back in the day when we took part in birth, we didn’t grow up with doubt that our bodies would somehow disappoint. There was no fear of childbirth. Sure feeling anxious or nervous of the unknown but not deep down in your core fear. Women were supported and made to feel powerful during this amazing time in their life.

Fast forward to 2018 and there are so many women that are deep down in their core terrified for labour. When I ask a pregnant woman how she feels about labour 99.9% of the time the answer is this, “I’m so scared about the pain” “I’m worried I can’t deliver vaginally” “I don’t want to tare”. Hardly ever does a woman say “I’m excited to see what my body can do!” “I’m curious to see what coping mechanisms will work best for me”. 

Generally speaking we are a negative society. We are planners, doers, knowers. We don’t like to take chances or trust the unknown. We are skeptical. When gearing up for child birth does our own doubt cause us detriment? I believe it does. And I’m not the only one.

I recently read a really great book called the Calm Birth Method by Suzy Ashworth. I bought this book to better understand Hypnobirthing but what I really got was deeper look into childbirth fear. I highly recommend anyone expecting a baby to read the entire book but for now I’m going to share with you a few ideas from it’s pages.

Imagine your brain as an iceberg. The tip that’s above the surface is our rational conscious mind. Our decision making. Below the surface is our subconscious. It makes up most of the iceberg. It’s the part of our brain that keeps us alive. It controls our fight or flight, breathe or not breathe, stress or calm. Our subconscious relies on our memory banks to react accordingly to different situations. A baby animal may not understand it’s in danger in the face of a predator until it gets attacked. The next time that animal is in the face of another unknown species it will pull on that memory and initiate the fight or flight response. We are the same!

You might be thinking I’ve gone off the rails wondering what does this have to do with fear of childbirth? Wait for it…….. when we haven’t ever experienced birth before our subconscious pulls from any childbirth memories you have in your bank!

So if you haven’t ever actually experienced birth what does your body rely on? ANY and EVERY memory you have of birth. From movies to stories your friends have shared with you. Have you ever thought you were present for something you actually weren’t? My husband and I both work on the Fort McMurray fire department. As partners who understand each other’s work we often share how are days went. I have multiple memories of emergency calls in my brain that aren’t actually my physical memories. He has shared with me his experiences in such detail that I now have memories of being right along with him even though I wasn’t. This phenomenon is called imagery work.

Neuroscience and Imagery is very fascinating! This science explains why I have actual memories of emergency calls I wasn’t even on! This also explains why there are so many women that begin labour with extreme fear and tension.

When you haven’t had the chance to witness a beautiful and powerful birth your mind is going to pull any memory of birth. Most women haven’t grown up around childbirth the way we used to. What we have grown up with is horrific images and sounds of women in agony begging for drugs and choking their husbands necks. Hollywood needs drama. I get it. But it’s played a part in planting the seed of fear in our vulnerable minds. What has also played a part is the lack of respect for birthing rights and empowerment and support for labouring mothers. This leads to disappointing and sometimes traumatic birth experiences. And lastly there is a huge disconnect with our society and post partum support. Women who have had a traumatic births aren’t ever given the chance to grieve or tell their story! Telling your story and openly discussing your disappointment is part of the healing process. Yet we have very few, if any, support in this area. Yes there’s support for women suffering from post partum depression but nothing for women who need to talk about their birth experience. I know there are people reading this thinking “that’s what post partum support groups are for”. It’s true these support groups are great platforms for sharing experiences but when we share our traumatic or disappointing birth stories we are filling other mamas memory banks with our own memories.

I can’t tell you how many times I have watched the face of an expecting mother fade from interest to shock as she listens to the horror stories of another. I so badly want to tell her “Dont listen! Walk away!” But it’s never really my place to step in.

This platform, this blog. This is my place to step in. To the mothers that share their traumatic stories, I 100% understand. I used to do it too. My first birth was extremely disappointing and I felt like no one really cared. I was told I was lucky to have a healthy baby, these things happen, it could have been worse. So I was forced to suppress my feelings of disappointment….. until a pregnant woman asked me “what is childbirth like?” I spewed my scary birth story and it felt good. She looked terrified and that made me feel like I was justified in my feelings of disappointment. I’m a few years older, I have a bunch of courses under my belt and a much better understanding of birth. My second experience was much better and I expect my 3rd to be even better! When a woman asks me now I say “what do you want it to be like?”

https://youtu.be/Ra-m0F8YyqA

My first labour

Tiger woods is one of many ppl who use imagery to better their performance. Tiger would imagine himself doing the perfect swing on a hole he had never done before. Daydream if you will, over and over. This causes your brain to create new Nero pathways. A short cut to that new memory you have created. When it was “go time” Tiger’s mind pulled that memory from his subconscious bank and used it to his advantage. His body responded as if he had done it before.

The memories you have of birth will directly effect your own experience. So why fill our banks with negative ones?! The power of the mind is an amazing tool. You have the power to train your mind for your own birth!

I was explaining this once and a new dad to be asked “isn’t that setting yourself up for disappointment when things don’t go as planned?” I asked him this, “would you rather have low expectations and feel good when those low expectations are met or would you rather have high expectations with acceptance that things can change and feel proud when they are met?”

I recently watched a new episode on greys anatomy. A few weeks ago Dr. Robins and the new OB (her girlfriend) team up to do a study on why the USA has such a high rate of mother mortality and c sections. I thought “shit Ya!” They are finally going to talk about something real. Well last week I was very disappointed, even a little mad. Instead of looking at why this is happening they decided the solution is to have a crash cart ready for the worst case scenario. Instead of them thinking this will solve the issue and realizing they are wrong, the story line shines light on the Drs and their genius plan to prepare for worst case scenarios. A new mother is labouring well and there are no complications, no need for extreme measures or precautions. Later the same day a different mother experiences a severe post partum bleed. Dr Robins comes to the rescue with her birth crash cart and saves the day.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=liZGCOSnIlA

This clip doesn’t show the praise Dr Robins received and the unsaid “I told you so”. The message they are sending is that births can start out normal but go sideways fast. Sure, a small percent of the time they can and do, but it’s definitely not the norm and shouldn’t be expected. Shocked that a normal birth hasn’t gone wrong in some way needing medical intervention or Dr. Robins’s crash cart doesn’t shine a positive light on the labouring process. 7.1 million ppl watched that episode. Of those 7.1 approximately 177500 women would have been pregnant.

All this talk of fear, neuroscience and matters of the mind, how can it effect you physically? Well, remember that fight or flight response that’s buried deep in your subconscious mind? It reacts to the memories pulled from your bank. When you are scared your heart rate increases, blood pressure increases, you sweat, pupils dilate, mouth becomes dry and your muscles tense up. Your uterine muscles run up and down and side to side. They work together in wave like motions to pull the muscle up away from the cervix, gathering up top creating a thick and powerful layer. If you are tense your body will be working against these motions delaying the labour process. This is fight.

If a lion is in labour but feels threatened, or unsafe her labour will actually stop or stall! We are the same way. This is flight.

Let me ask you, “what do you want your labour to be like?” Take a few moments every day to imagine how your body will respond to labour and how you will receive and cope with each surge or contraction. Let these images fill your vulnerable mind. And let these memories guide your body and keep you calm when it’s go time.

My second birth

We have been thinking about labour wrong for far too long. The majority of the time labour is not a medical emergency. I am very grateful we have medical advances that help us when labour isn’t going as expected but if labour is happening just as nature intended we need to put more trust in the process! We need to share more beautiful amazing birth stories. Hollywood! If your listening, it’s time to make a change. And mothers, we need to encourage and be mindful of the minds and memories of others. Lets empower, not terrify. Let’s assume the best and accept the things we can’t change or control. Let’s rejoice in the most amazing thing a human can do and share THAT beauty.

Lastly If your interested in being a part of change consider enrolling in this childbirth fear study!